The Secret Ingredient to Stronger Parent-Child Relationships
We all want our children to know that they can come to us for anything, but sometimes the gap between wanting and having this type of relationships with our kids can feel as deep and wide as the Grand Canyon. You tell your children you love them, you set aside family time, you bake Instagram-worthy cupcakes—but that open, trusting connection seems elusive.
The missing ingredient might be something fundamental in parent-child relationships: attunement. Fancy word, simple concept—attunement is about understanding your child’s moods and feelings and truly knowing and valuing your child for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Think of it as building a bridge. Every time you smiled back at your child’s gummy baby grin, listened patiently to their dinosaur stories, or celebrated their love for finger painting, you were laying a brick. These moments of connection told your child that you saw, appreciated, and understood them. And that’s the foundation of a secure and trusting relationship.
“...attunement is about understanding your child’s moods and feelings and truly knowing and valuing your child for who they are, not who you want them to be.”
As your child grows and changes, you can continue building that bridge by tuning in, by really knowing your child, and being able to understand their moods, needs, and desires. Recognizing your child’s strengths and interests also helps you guide them towards activities that will light their fire, be it singing on stage or tinkering with engines. It also builds trust. When they know you're interested in their unique world, they're more likely to share their joys and struggles with you.
But there are surefire ways to sabotage your efforts: pushing our own desires on our kids, ignoring who they tell us they are, or not paying attention to them when they’re trying to tell us something (put down your phone!).
Here's the thing: tuning in doesn't require miracles. It's about small, consistent actions. Be curious about your child’s life. Ask questions, put down the phone (seriously, put it down!), and actively listen. Validate their feelings, even if they don't align with yours. Show them you're a safe space, not a judgment zone.
The rewards are worth the effort. Strong bonds with your kids can lead to less anxiety and depression for both parents and teens, more open communication, and a sense of security that can last a lifetime.
Remember:
Attunement is the secret sauce: Know your child for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Build the bridge: Every smile, every question, every moment of shared interest strengthens the connection.
Mind the gap: Distraction and judgment widen the chasm. Put down the phone.
Posted by Alison Cashin, Director of Communications
