7 Guideposts for Parents: Talking to Your Teens About Your Own Emotional Challenges
When we as parents suffer from depression, anxiety, or other emotional challenges, teens may at times be prone to blame themselves. They can interpret our irritability, anger, or moodiness as their fault or as reactions to their behaviors and decisions. That's one reason why it can be very helpful for teens to know we are dealing with these challenges. Thoughtfully sharing about our mental health challenges can also encourage our teens to open up about their struggles and alleviate the stigma they may feel about anxiety and depression.
What's the best way to discuss our emotional challenges with our teens? Here are seven guideposts:
1. Be intentional and plan: Before sharing, consider your goals and intentions. Decide what is important for your teen to know about your emotional challenges and about how they affect you and your family. In making this determination, consider their age, emotional maturity, vulnerabilities, and strengths. It can be difficult to balance open communication with important boundaries to protect your child. If you're unsure how much to share or how your teen might react, consider speaking with a therapist or someone in your community first—you don't have to navigate this alone. If you think they might experience some distress, help them identify one or two supportive adults they can turn to other than you.
2. Consider time and place: Determine when it's appropriate to share about your mental health. If your mental health challenges are interfering with your parenting, it's usually important to start having these conversations. Choose a comfortable and relaxed environment and find a time that is not rushed or filled with other stressors, allowing you to answer any questions your teen may have. Engaging in an easy activity, like taking a walk, cooking, or doing chores together, can make the discussion more comfortable. Try to avoid having this conversation in the middle of a difficult moment or conflict. Waiting for a calm, connected time will make it easier for your teen to digest the information with less fear and anxiety, and allow you to be more present for your child.
3. Make explicit that your negative moods are not their fault: Help your teen understand how your emotional challenges affect your behavior and assure them that your negative moods are not their fault. For example, you can share with your teen that when you seem withdrawn, down, extra worried, angry, or on edge at times, it's because you are experiencing anxiety or depression. You can also tell your teen that if your moods are related to their behavior and not your anxiety or depression, you will tell them that explicitly. Because teens may need reassurance more than once, check in with them periodically and — when you are having a difficult day — remind them that your moods are not their fault.
4. Share your mental health care plan: It is important to make it clear to your teen that you're not expecting them to fix your anxiety or depression. Share the steps you're taking to promote your mental health, such as medication, therapy, or talking to supportive members of your community. Share and model help-seeking and healthy coping behaviors and skills, such as daily walks, exercising, calling friends or loved ones, or journaling. When possible, engage in healthy coping skills together.
5. Remember that sharing your challenges is often not one "big" conversation but an ongoing conversation: Your mental health, your teen's mental health, and your family dynamics will change over time, so use your first conversation as a touchpoint to maintain open and honest communication. Let your teen know that you're always available to discuss their questions and concerns about your mental health or their own. Explicitly tell your teen that they can bring this up again whenever they need to.
6. Validate their feelings: Each teen will respond differently when their parent shares about their mental health. For example, your teen may become temporarily anxious and want to check in often, or they may withdraw. Give your teen opportunities to share their emotions and how they are processing the information. Remind them of your roles—that their job is to be a teen and not a caregiver, and your job is to take care of them and yourself. When needed, remind them of the ways you are receiving support and how you maintain your mental health.
7. Tap into your community: Parenting while struggling with your mental health can make it especially hard to find the time, energy, and space to care for yourself, your family, and your other commitments, from managing daily responsibilities to meeting work demands. When possible, tap into your community, not just for practical support but for emotional support as well. Not only will this help you along your parenting and healing journey, but it will model to your child the importance of community and help-seeking, and signal that you have support around you.
Everyone's struggles with their mental health are different, and each teen and parenting relationship is different. Remember that these guideposts should be adapted to fit your unique circumstances and the individual needs of your teen. Ultimately, we want to foster open communication and trust, to protect and promote your teens’ emotional growth, and to strengthen your relationship with your teenager. By opening the doors to discussing mental health, you allow yourself space to promote your own wellbeing while giving your teen the tools to protect and promote theirs as well.
