What is love? 5 questions for parents and teens.
Whether your teen is swooning, heartbroken, or not yet experiencing romantic feelings for another person, Valentine's Day is an opportunity to engage them in a conversation about the meaning of love and romantic relationships.
Making Caring Common's report The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment explores healthy romantic relationships and offers insights into how adults can begin to have meaningful and constructive conversations about them with the young people in their lives. Our report suggests that a high percentage of young people are anxious about romantic relationships and want guidance from adults, but adults typically don’t provide the guidance that teens want and need.
Below are five questions for parents and other family members who want to begin these important conversations with their teens. One way to begin this exercise is by thinking about what your own relationships have taught you. What was healthy about them? Unhealthy? What attitudes or behaviors do you wish you could change? If appropriate, share these thoughts with your teen as you work through the questions below.
What is love? How do you know when you’re in love?
Young people and adults have a very different understanding of what it means to be in love. While there is no single definition of love that applies to all healthy relationships, it’s essential to discuss with your teen the difference between love and other intense feelings toward someone else, such as infatuation, lust, idolization, or obsession. Explore with your teen why and how love can be meaningful and how it can change over the course of our lives. Ask them how they think about different types of intense feelings toward someone and discuss the importance of understanding why they are attracted to someone.
What are some words that you would use to describe a healthy romantic relationship? What are some words you would use to describe an unhealthy relationship? Can you think of anyone you know or couples in popular culture who have a healthy or unhealthy relationship?
Examples of both healthy and unhealthy relationships are everywhere. If appropriate, talk to your teen about couples you both know or about depictions of relationships in popular culture. Which are healthy? Why? Which seem unhealthy? Why?
If your teen is in a relationship, you might ask how their relationship makes them feel. Do they feel self-respecting? Hopeful? Caring and generous towards others?
What skills do you think are important for someone to bring to a relationship?
Maintaining healthy relationships requires a range of skills, including the ability to communicate honestly and effectively, to work together to solve problems, to at times put someone else’s needs before yours, and to appropriately manage difficult feelings, such as anger or jealousy. Healthy relationships also benefit from a couple’s ability to step back to look at the “big picture” of the relationship, including its dynamics, strengths, and challenges.
How do you think that a romantic relationship might change over time?
Romantic relationships naturally change and evolve over time. Saying “I love you” as a teen means something quite different than saying the same thing to a partner after a decade together. This happens for a variety of reasons, including the growth of the people involved, changes in life circumstances, and shifting priorities as people mature and change. The early stages of infatuation can wear off, but that doesn't mean that a couple has fallen out of love. Love can take many different and deeper forms over time.
What kind of ethical questions might come up in a romantic relationship?
Is it okay to share details of your relationship or photos of your partner online without your partner knowing? What does it mean to give and receive consent in a romantic relationship? What should you do if your friend is cheating on their partner, who is also your friend?
Perhaps because they are so central to our lives and well-being, romantic relationships can be fraught with ethical questions. Teens in particular can struggle with these questions as they navigate the complexities of dating and relationships; they also can be very engaged by ethical questions related to romantic love. Thinking through some of these dilemmas with a trusted adult can help teens not only prepare for these situations in real life, but also consider the type of romantic partner they want to be.
For more on how to talk to teens and young adults about love and romantic relationships, read our report The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment.
Posted by Alison Cashin, Director of Communications
