Learning to Enjoy the Imperfections of Parenting
By Milena Batanova
Director of Research and Evaluation, Making Caring Common
Earlier this year, I had my second child. In the nine months since, I’ve been thinking a lot about my hopes for her and her older brother. I could fill this email with a list of things I dream for them, but it really comes down to this:
I want my children to truly love each other, our family, and their friends—but also to love people in general. To be curious about people and places and all that the world has to offer.
The world we live in can make this kind of hope feel daunting.
First, there are the challenges our kids face. How do they grow into loving, caring, capable people when the world around them can be so hostile and disconnected and so often rewards achievement over moral character?
Then there are the challenges we face as parents. How do we parent as best as we can while navigating the world and everything else: juggling careers, school, and home life; hemorrhaging money on what feels like a daily basis; and trying to maintain our own health and relationships?
Navigating both sets of challenges requires us to radically rethink what good parenting looks like, and so much of that means letting go of pressure–or perfection. Even if we don’t think of ourselves as perfectionists, the expectations and demands placed on parents can make us feel like we’re never doing enough, like we’re never getting it quite right, and often falling short in some way.
So what can we do?
I’m not going to pretend easy answers exist. So much of this is a societal/structural problem. There’s truly no manual for how to parent the “best” way, and while we know warm and responsive parenting is great for kids, what that means when a kid is misbehaving or doing something we don’t like obviously varies–even for the most warm and responsive parents!
I find it freeing to finally understand what a friend told me once (pretty sure it’s what a wise philosopher once said, in plain language): “don't let perfect get in the way of good enough.” For much of my life, I’ve felt pressure to achieve, to get things right, and to hold myself to high standards. And I think it’s easy to carry a lot of that into parenting, even when we know intellectually that we can’t do most things perfectly. After having my second child, I finally started letting go of a lot of that pressure. Not because I stopped caring about being a good parent—quite the opposite. I care deeply, but I also have so little time now that I don’t want to waste it on some unattainable notion of what parenting “as best as we can” means.
Here are a few things I’ve learned about letting go:
Just like we schedule our kids’ activities or playdates, we need to be OK “scheduling” our own time. Our current culture often celebrates parents who sacrifice all their personal needs in order to meet the needs of their children. I hear the term “mom guilt” a lot, and I wish we could just bury it. Oftentimes what moms describe isn’t even guilt. It’s simply being unavailable to our kids and then feeling bad about it. Moms can’t do it all (nor should we), and most dads or partners want to feel needed (like they can contribute more than just a paycheck). So I’ve started handing off more things to my husband, or not feeling guilty if I have to get a sitter because he’s working nights and I really want to escape and see my friends. Instead, I feel so utterly grateful I can do all that and still know we’re loving, responsive parents. Caring for ourselves and caring for our children are not mutually exclusive.
We need relationships beyond the school bus stop or youth sport. Our kids’ schools and activities can dictate so much of who we see or hang out with. Unless we feel like we’ve hit the jackpot with these ‘parents-by-circumstance’ friends, it’s essential that we make the effort to show up outside of those things. Easier said than done, I know. Life happens all the time, and it’s so hard making time or putting in effort when we literally feel like we’re maxed out. Not to mention that cultivating a community takes time. I didn’t have one solid group of friends in Boston until the fourth year I lived here… FOURTH?! But it’s all worth it. We need friends and community outside our kids’ circles. Because as much as our children’s lives shape ours, we need relationships that are ours, too.
Parenting can be a ton of fun, too. So much about parenthood (and even guidance from experts!) seems to ignore the fun we can have as parents. Is parenting fun every moment-or even just one moment-of every day? No, of course not. But I am trying to adopt a mindset of fun—intentionally pursuing ways to make parenting more fun. This might look like searching for activities that my kids and I would both love doing—like going bowling and enjoying the littlest of moments in between all the chaos. Or it might mean injecting doses of fun into otherwise routine activities—like teaching my oldest a new band or musician every week, and we all get to have dance parties almost daily! Sure, some weeks I forget, or my kids might be too sick or cranky to truly have fun with, but I don’t want to be so focused on whether I’m doing parenting right that I miss out on the fun too.
Every parent is different, of course, and so some or all of these might not apply to you and your situation. If so, what’s on your list? What are things you’re doing to let go of perfection or pressure and be the parent you want to be?
