Four Building Blocks for More Grateful Kids
“Blech. Disgusting.”
I had thought that tonight’s dinner would be different. In my imagination, my four-year-old would sit at the table and gobble up the pasta with red sauce and side of cucumbers I had made with his selective palate in mind. He’d give me a thumbs up, flash a smile, and maybe—just maybe—say thank you.
I had put in the work. I had carefully selected the pasta for its ability to be speared by a four-year-old’s fork (“fork pasta,” in my house, is the only acceptable kind). In the ten minutes between Zoom meetings earlier in the day, I had assembled a marinara from cans of fancy Italian tomatoes; I had sliced thin moons of crisp cucumber and lightly dusted them with flaky salt. And I had prepped everything to be ready when his ravenous body returned home from after school.
Instead, he pushed away his plate. He eyed the cucumbers with disdain and blew slow, fat bubbles in his glass of milk. He wanted peanut butter crackers.
I wanted appreciation. I stood before my child, arms akimbo, waiting.
He blew more bubbles in his milk.
From our efforts to feed them healthy meals to thoughtful gifts from grandparents, we all want our kids to show gratitude for what they have and receive. We want them to see and value our effort, and the efforts of others who expend energy, time, and thought on them. We want some inkling that they will develop into thoughtful, appreciative humans instead of spoiled, entitled gremlins.
“I wanted appreciation. I stood before my child, arms akimbo, waiting.
He blew more bubbles in his milk.”
Developing kids’ capacity for gratitude, it turns out, can be more straightforward—and have more benefits—than parents might think. For the past several years, MCC has been studying the efforts of parents and caregivers to develop gratitude in elementary-aged children. As part of this work, we took a deep dive into the research on gratitude, spoke with dozens of parents and experts in the field, and created strategies to help caregivers develop gratitude in their children. Later, we examined the efficacy and usefulness of these strategies in a research study.
“Gratitude is multifaceted,” says Dr. Milena Batanova, MCC’s Director of Research and Evaluation. “But it doesn’t have to be complicated. It includes noticing who or what to be grateful for; thinking about what one has been given and having positive feelings about the experience of receiving; and expressing appreciation or thanks.”
According to Batanova, linking their positive emotional response to someone else’s behavior towards them is critical for children. It’s how they come to understand what's been done for them, or that what they’ve received is thanks to someone else’s choice.
But this understanding is based on a child’s age and stage of development. By age four, for example, some children can understand others’ intentions or mental states; for some children that might take a bit longer. Younger children’s appreciation may only involve some components of gratitude—they might be able to recognize and be joyful about something they receive, for example, and they might be in the habit of saying “thank you”—but they may not yet be able to link their positive feelings to the giver’s actions.
“Gratitude is multifaceted, but it doesn’t have to be complicated.”
“When they're younger, and definitely as young as three, four, or five, I think we need to go easier on kids and focus more on the building blocks of gratitude,” says Batanova. “We can help kids recognize and understand feelings and we can lovingly explain to them why they might have something. I like to remind my three-year-old what someone gave him and why, for example, ‘Remember baba [our term for ‘grandmother’] gave you this hat – she knew you needed one for winter and so she sent it to us. Wasn’t that so nice of her?’”
At around age six or so, Batanova says, kids can probably start to understand the nuances behind gratitude. By the age of seven or eight, adults can generally expect children to be able to engage in each phase of gratitude (our gratitude strategies are designed for children in this age group—I encourage you to check them out!). In our research study, parents of children ages seven to 10 who used our strategies indicated that their children were capable of—and even enjoyed—reflecting on something or someone they were thankful for.
To help establish the “building blocks” of gratitude for younger children, Batanova suggests the following research-based tips:
Making them aware of what's given to them or what you or someone else has done for them. ("Wow, Daddy came home early from work just to eat dinner with us. Let's all sit and eat our dinner together.")
Modeling gratitude ("Thank you Daddy for coming home to be with us," and Daddy says, "Thank you Mommy for making dinner for all of us. I know you had to take time out of your workday to do that, and that's so thoughtful.")
Making time for more open conversations, and really dig into the "why" when possible (If a child isn't eating, try, "You know, I was really hoping you'd try some of this food because I spent so much time on it. And I even made it with your favorite sauce!")
Choosing opportunities for feeling or expressing being thankful ("We have so many leftovers. Do you think our neighbors down the street would like some? They really love my sauce.")
It may sound like a lot of work, but Batanova says that with a little practice it can become second nature. For many families, setting a regular time, such as dinnertime or a car ride on “Thankful Thursdays,” can help. And the benefits can extend far beyond gratitude.
Says Batanova, “In our study, the process of teaching gratitude actually seems to have taught parents to be more supportive and understanding—even more grateful for their children—as well as to have substantially enhanced their bond or relationship with their child.”
Posted by Alison Cashin, Director of Communications
